helplessness blues

Fleet Foxes can put together a poem of a song, let me tell you.

This past weekend was one for the books. Performing on the Main Stage, getting to see my choreography realized in a big setting, with big lights, and hand-stitched costumes, but most importantly, spending time with young passionate people until the wee hours of the night.

One brilliant young choreographer particularly inspires me. An incredibly strong voice in the artistic world, this gal graced audiences with a piece danced to the song after which this post is named.  As we stood in the wings witnessing the last moments of precious time on that stage, we held hands and let the tears fall. Crying so much I was sweating and puffy. Sappy sappy, sap sap sap. But the countdown is real.

One month until graduation.

I bought my cap and gown today. Despite the thousands of dollars worth of debt this place has put me into, the University still makes us buy our dang cap and gown out of pocket. Who knew that graduating with honors/getting an extra cord for the outfit would bump that final fifty-some grad gown bill up a hefty twelve bucks? Not I. In my personal opinion those babies should be factored into the very large tuition statement my parents and I get each semester. Sheesh.

This morning’s drive to class again had me in my feels. The traffic on Port Republic is stupidly stupid no matter what time of day it is, but I’m gonna miss the days I can roll my windows down and jam next to my friends’ cars at the gazillions of stoplights that span the road. The Starbucks next to the Jimmy Johns is never homey, but I’m gonna miss running into people I know in there. Those painful speed bumps in the parking deck are so unnecessary but I’m gonna miss the cringing feeling in my butt cheeks every time I search for a parking spot. Parking on the fifth floor is brutal, but I’m gonna miss the triumphant feeling of snagging my favorite spot at the last possible minute before the disappointing “FULL” displays in bright red.

Take a minute and read these lyrics. You can’t tell me you don’t feel this at some point. Especially at these moments, when looking forward, when things are shifting. I was told on the phone this morning that changes are hard for me because I feel things so deeply. Though I was surprised to hear this aspect of myself articulated, I don’t believe it a weakness… rather it’s an essential attribute, a pivotal part of what makes living each day so significant for me.

And here you have it. “Helplessness Blues” by Fleet Foxes…

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I’d say I’d rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

But I don’t, I don’t know what that will be
I’ll get back to you someday soon you will see

What’s my name, what’s my station, oh, just tell me what I should do
I don’t need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful and say “sure, take all that you see”
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me

And I don’t, I don’t know who to believe
I’ll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing, it’s that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I’m tongue-tied and dizzy and I can’t keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I’ll come back to you someday soon myself

If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m raw
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
And you would wait tables and soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight, my light in the dawn
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
Someday I’ll be like the man on the screen

Enjoy today. Enjoy everyday.

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