I am scared today.
I am afraid that I won’t be good enough, won’t know what to do, won’t be prepared, won’t look like I know how to do things, won’t be ready.
Thankfully I have a mother who cares enough to tell me I’m being ridiculous. What happened to the ambitious, goal setting, motivated gal that first came out to LA a month ago? I had dreams of figuring out dance and taking classes and meeting dancers out here. Turns out I’m not living up to my “dancer, designer” name. All because I’m scared.
I’m scared that my talent isn’t big enough, that I’ve lost flexibility, that I will make a fool of myself, that I’ll get in the way of professionals trying to be seen by the teachers and choreographers. Why can’t I be brave? What’s this mental block that’s stopping me from putting myself out there? Being in the office of the company I work at, knowing how these dancers move and their resumes and their talent, there is absolutely no way that I could be on their level. For some reason this is making me feel uneasy. Though I know that I am talented, able, and will work as hard as humanly possible to be where it is that I am meant to be.
This hesitance, this worried attitude has even kept me from going into a local coffee shop a block from work. It’s silly. Coffee shops are on my list of things I want to experience! “Spring for Coffee” in particular was one that I looked up and found great reviews on. For some reason, the past three weeks I have chosen Starbucks. The cozy, familiar place as opposed to the mysterious and new. After much speculation, I pinpointed why I was scared to go inside:
a) The people lounging outside on the patio look like native, neighborhood familiar, Angelenos, and that intimidated me.
b) I am more inclined to go somewhere I am certain I will like.
c) I AM SCARED. Change scares me.
But that’s what makes being human so interesting. We can be so moved (or stuck) by emotions that we actually have entire, all-encompassing control over. The fact that being scared prevented me from buying a dang coffee from a local coffee shop is almost outlandish, isn’t it?
So I forced myself into Spring For Coffee and bought a $2.75 medium cup of hot, freshly roasted drip coffee from two wonderfully nice and hipster-looking coffee shop men. What happened then, you may ask? I felt empowered. I had faced my hesitation head-on and realized that it was altogether one of the most non-sensical fears I have ever feared.
Now for my fear of taking a dance class. Where is this stemming from? What’s keeping me from doing the very thing I am craving? Myself. My own, non-sensical fears over petty anticipations of events that may or may not occur in the classroom. My joy and happiness inside of that dance class is without doubt going to surpass any petty issue that may arise. I am confident. I am a trained dancer with a wonderful spirit and way of moving to offer, and I CAN DO IT.
7pm, Ballet at Edge. You can find me there.
What scares you? Have you ever had a similar experience? I challenge you today to think about what you’re holding yourself back from doing out of self-depreciating fears of failure.